From my autistic side, and unraveling my brain in order to try to figure out myself and improve how I interact with people, I feel that there is a lot that has not “clicked” for me until recently that many other people understand much earlier in life. I’ve had to learn a lot of things that my brain just kind of ignored and I always just kind of went with despite not actually understanding. Couple that with a deep fear of conflict, I historically was just whoever people near me wanted me to be, and I had to remember which character I had to play with everyone. I truly did not know who I even was. Officially learning I had ASD in my 30’s led to new challenges of navigating the world without wearing the mask I always wore publicly and privately, figuring out who I actually was, and reacting to things up-front versus my traditionally holding everything in and how that affected my mental health and led to a lot of anger (and being alcoholic). Being up-front though about being autistic has not had a positive impact outside of connecting with a small number of people who have recognized neurodivergence in themselves. Being outwardly open with how I best function has just led to confusion from others and problems for me and many people choosing to just not deal with me at all which also had a negative impact my my mental health. I’ve had kind of horrible crash course on life which I had to experience the negatives to understand how to build myself up. I’m unfortunately having to learn how to put a social mask back on in the work world and general public life while recognizing who I am and managing the energy toll it has on me. What helps tremendously though is having moved to Portland and finding a big community of people like myself and being able to be myself in my personal life and have that ongoing connection to my true self.
I also throw in the fact that I am transgender, and transitioned during the absolute worst period of unraveling my autism. I instantly had to experience the world and the workplace from a perspective of being very obviously different and not being mentally able to process it. I also instantly had to experience things from the perspective of being a woman, which women normally have a lifetime to work into and learn about. It’s a lot, to say the least. Even without the autism in play I know it’s a lot to navigate for woman and trans people. Overnight you learn the worlds of bigotry and misogyny toward yourself, when you had previously experienced the world solely from a perspective of (people assuming you are) a cishet male and the metric fuck-ton of privilege that has and you never even realize it. I wonder why I have to be treated differently just because of how I appear on the outside and the fact I am more than able to do all the things quite well and my instinct is to want to fix it. Well…. yeah.
I think it led to kind of chernobyl like effect on my job and life in Colorado. I knew at my core things were fucked up, but I had to push the limits, and break barriers to try to get to what I saw was the end result I needed. It led to changes, but there was a lot a fallout and my never being able to go back to that part of my life. I do regret how I approached the challenges I saw and the negative impact I had on some people, but I do think it was necessary for my brain to take the nuclear option for me to get completely out of my life there and into a completely new life here. I think I would have just festered there forever and go back into the dark place I was before I transitioned. The way my brain works I need to actually experience things myself in order to know how to do things and how to not do things. It had a bit of carry-over in going back into the workplace here after a year and a half away, but the fact is it was a crappy environment and horrible fit for me and I needed a bit more time away to reflect and work on myself some more.
So I’m kind of back at the beginning and facing going into a new career with the metric ton that I have learned in the past few years and hopefully in a better place to face it. I feel that approaching the world from a place of positivity is the only way I am going to be able to make any impact or leave any lasting legacy of myself. I know there are things that will suck and I just need to let them go. I know that there are people who will suck and are not worth taking personally. I also think I have finally learned to never, ever, ever, ever share the very autistic and brutally specific lists I tend to create about the negatives I experience at work with any other human beings ever. If I do write things like that out, they are there for me and me alone to use to determine if and how to address them, individually.
Unfortunately the country is officially outwardly hostile toward trans people so it’s hard to be optimistic, but maintaining hope and optimism, and not giving into the hate is the only thing I have and I think can make an impact. I also want to push myself to not feel guilty about finding positivity in the midst of everything. Moving to Portland has allowed me to feel safer, find a community, and lose a lot of worry around just existing in daily life as a trans person so I will do what I can for as long as I can and as always, keep learning and keep pushing forward.
